“I hope this comment isn’t super lame or that it isn’t too poorly written or that it sounds too much like I’ve got it as figured out as Mike. I just wanted to tell you the step I’ve decided to take this time and tell you I’m starting, ever so slowly, to feel a little better because I’ve met some people to talk to or go get coffee with when really I want to call my doctor for a re-fill.”
“Super lame” or “poorly written” are the last phrases I would use to describe your post. I got up feeling extremely lethargic and unmotivated and one of the first things that popped into my head was that overwhelming urge to pop a few Vyvanse. I almost did, actually. Fighting the urge, I decided to get on my computer and get on this site. I’m really glad I did. The second I realized someone had responded to my post, a spark lit up inside me. I can’t exactly explain it or even completely make sense of it, but even before reading your post, this feeling of relief came over me.
Many times, that first instance doesn’t have much impact on them
It’s kind of funny. We’ve all heard that phrase, or some variation of it, throughout our lives. It’s almost become a cliche. There’s a lot of truth to it, but its impact really doesn’t hit you until you hear it from someone else, relating to you.
Honestly, up until yesterday, I felt utterly alone in regards to my addiction. As I stated before, only one person in my life knows of my struggle, and he’s only seen the surface. I’m sure a good deal of friends family would be far more understanding than I envision. The overwhelming sense of shame that I’ve let a fucking pill dictate my life for the last 7 months is what has kept me from reaching out to them. That, and the whole mentality that this would be a burden on them. These are things I need to get past. I’m working on it though.
As for your involvement with AA/NA, I think that’s a great way to do it. When I got that misdemeanor for possession of marijuana five years ago, part of my sentence was to go to NA meetings. At 19, I was a bit of a self-centered prick. I really didn’t want to be there and didn’t care all that much about what people had to say. There is/was no denying that it does work for those who want it in their life though. I’ve come to that part of my life where I not only need that in my life, but I’m beginning to WANT it.
On that note, I just recalled something I heard at one of the meetings (a few actually). A lot of people with addiction problems go in and out of AA/NA multiple times throughout their life. For a lot of those people, the first time is on court order (like me). At that point, most don’t see the addiction. Even if they have, it hasn’t really started to eat away at them (mentally and/or physically). I now understand this better than I ever thought I had.
Again, thanks for your words! They were very helpful. I know this is only the very beginning of the recovery process, but even so, it feels like a huge step in the right direction.
I’m mostly referring to the depression as it existed before your recent bout with stimulants, since that’s probably a more pure gauge
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Quick question on the 10-year depression thing, since that makes me curious: Is there a time when are you NOT thinking about how worthless everything is? Like, when you’re doing something like hanging out with friends, water skiing, playing video games, making out….does the depression persist? Or is it so bad that you can’t bring yourself to do any of those things? Is there an environment or activity that relieves the depression at all? Also: Is there a fix that you can conceive of in you mind? Even if that fix is a limited dose of stimulants?
