Most of the sexual techniques share a common core of meditative, breathing, and physical movement exercises with your partner, combined with extended foreplay. They help you let go of your ego-needs-for example, simply wanting to be given pleasure, or wanting to make your partner experience pleasure.
While sexual techniques build and increase energy exchange and flow, the quality and level of arousal and pleasure you and your partner experience sexually depends on the extent to which you’re doing building connection and arousal in the other parts of your relationship.
I think one of the best descriptions of making love is a passage in another of Doris Lessing’s works, the allegorical novel The Marriages Between Zones Three, official website Four, and Five
That is, when you treat each other as equal human beings within your daily relationship, and you’re transparent about your inner life and emotions, you automatically feel more stimulation and excitement with each other. When you feel connected as equals and yet engage each other as separate, distinct individuals as well, that generates new energy and it enhances the sexual energy between the two of you.
There are many good sources of information and guidance for building heightened sexual engagement, equality, and openness in your relationship-through books, videos, and workshops
Some of the most substantial and useful include Margo Anand’s guides to Tantric practices; Kenneth Cohen’s detailed description of Qi gong sexuality; and Pepper Schwartz’s works, including building equality in relationships.
In the story, the man was required to be apart from his new wife, during which time he became “ready” to learn equality and sensuality. Now, they meet again:
“He had remembered something entirely blotted from his mind during that enervating month. The light, glancing, inflaming kisses that he had not known how to answer, had gone from his mind. The invitation, the answer and question, the mutual response and counter-response-none of this had been within the provision of the courtesan Elys, since she had never in her life enjoyed an equal relation with anyone, man or woman.
(His wife) came to him, and began to teach him how to be equal and ready in love. It was quite shocking for him, because it laid him open to pleasures he had certainly not imagined with Elys. There was no possible comparison between the heavily sensualities of that, and the changes and answerings of these rhythms. He was laid open not only to physical responses he had not imagined, but worse, to emotions he had no desire at all to feel. He was engulfed in tenderness, in passion, in the wildest intensities that he did not know whether to call pain or delight . and this on and on, while she, completely at ease, at home in her country, took him further and further every moment, a determined, but quiet companion.
He could not of course sustain it for long. Equality is not learned in a lesson or two . But even as far as he could stand it, he had been introduced to his potentialities beyond anything he had believed possible. And when they desisted, and he was half relieved and half sorry that the intensitites were over, she did not allow him to sink back again away from the plane of sensitivity they had both achieved. They made love all that night, and all the following day, and they did not stop at all for food, though they did ask for a little wine, and when they had been entirely and thoroughly wedded, so that they could no longer tell through touch where one began and the other ended, and had to look, with their eyes, to find it, they fell into a deep sleep . “
